Thursday, February 7, 2008

Malachi 3:10

Hey everybody! Kimy, my lovely wife, wrote a small but sweet blog about the faithfulness of a Christian sister who trusted God with her money. In that blog, she quoted Malachi 3:10. Apparently, someone we have never heard of took strong issue with her thoughts. I think the comment to her blog was sent by a robot that automatically sends out a reply whenever it hits a website or blog using certain key words and phrases. If it was a real person, then they should read the comments I put on Kimy's blog and respond again. I'm actually writing this post to see if I get the same response. Check out all the action at http://www.justbestill.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

the old man

Up until a few years ago, I had spent my entire life trying to please all who know me. Do you have any idea how tiring that was? In fact, I became so overwhelmed by trying to be the perfect songrandsonbrotherstudentemployeehusbandfather that I kinda' checked out of everything except the bare minimum duties to feed myself and my family. I remember being so angry with the very people I was trying to impress that I ran away from most of them. There were years when I didn't speak to anyone close to me because I didn't want them to see what I was really feeling inside. I felt that if I let them see the real me, the real hurt, the real anger, the real disappointment (in them & in myself), they would surely reject me. The proverbial "mask" was so much easier to ware when I was many miles away. I must admit that Kimy, my loving and beautiful wife of 21 years, stayed with me even though I wasn't the most likable person to be around.

Have you ever been so low that you feel desperate for change? Have you ever been so confused about the way things turned out in your life that you would rather just curl up on the couch and watch TV until the day you die? Been there. Done that. Don't ever plan to go there or do that again. You see, I found out that there is someone who loves me just the way I am, unconditionally. Yes, Kimy's love for me is as close to unconditional love as I could ever expect from another human being, but the love I'm talking about is superhuman! When I felt that I was at the end of my life, I reached out for God and I found Him. I, like so many of you, had heard and even grown up hearing about God and the free gift of eternal life through His Son Jesus Christ, but I really never bought it. But when things seemed out of control and I felt as if I had nowhere else to turn, it just seemed like the right thing to try something different but familiar. Since I made the decision to trust in the love and forgiveness of all the dumb, stupid and awful things I have done and started to change the idea of impressing people to impressing Jesus, my life has taken on whole new meaning! Now, I wake up in the morning passionate about doing God's will!

With that being said, I still, on occasion, struggle with feelings of anxiety. There have been a few times recently that I knew with out any doubt that I was doing God's will and that I had made the right decision about something. I knew that I was prayed up, that I had done my homework, that I had gotten wonderful advice from other Godly people and had made the correct choice. But... whenever there is a decision to change anything there is always loss. For instance, I knew that all of the decisions that were made at Willow Community Church were made within a group of trusted and Spirit lead people and that all decisions were made with a "what is God asking us to do?" and "We all stand behind what We decide God is asking us to do" attitude. I truly love and embrace the accountability and support. The end result though, is that I am the face of that decision. I know that the people of Willow have my back because they all helped make the decisions and they all know that God is totally in control, but there will still be individuals that see me as the ring leader and final decision maker. I can't change that. I would make every decision that we have made the exact same way if we had to make them again, because I know that God is in those changes. I don' walk around in regret of doing God's will, but I do feel awkward around people who disagree with what has been decided. That is the part of my old self that I am trying to come to terms with these days. Being the one person that others hold responsible for their discomfort is something entirely new for me.